AS I SEE IT
Thanksgiving, Christmas, the time of year when, for many, myself included, thoughts may turn to family more frequently than the rest of the year. This brings up the question, “what is a family?” Sadly, we don’t all answer that question in the same way.
The older I get the more bewildering it is to me at how so many people turn that into a problem for them. Why do that when you have the option of simplifying it? Well, to simplify we must first learn how to truly forgive others, we must learn how to not make mountains out of molehills, we must learn that we are not any more perfect than the next person, we must learn to not judge others but to treat them as we would have them treat us.
So, family………what makes a family, who is in a family? First, the obvious answer is, those who share the same genetic material. (In this category I include the stepparents who love as deeply as if they gave birth). We don’t get to choose our relatives but we do get to choose to either love and accept one another as we are, or choose to turn away from those who disappoint us in one way or another. When push comes to shove it is this group that we can or should be able to count on. I choose to love, respect and accept, unconditionally.
The second group that comes to mind are the in-laws and every family has in-laws and most of us will become in-laws. Now here is where I really get confused…….how is it that one can love another human so much that you make a commitment to spend the rest of your life with that person ? Here are some reasons I have heard over the years…………..he/she is loving and affectionate, kind and gentle; he/she is a loyal person; he/she is a responsible person, and accountable for his/her own actions and words; he/she is respectful of others and helps others; he/she is a good communicator and a good listener, not self-centered; he/she is honest, trustworthy, dependable; he/she gives me my space when I need it and values my opinions; he/she is a Christian. I am sure that I could list more but these are enough to make my point which is this: if the person we fell in love with has such great qualities, qualities that we want in a spouse/partner, who do we think laid the groundwork for he/she to be that way? His/her family, that ‘s who! So why are the in-laws now the folks we cannot stand to be around, the ones who we seldom see but spend countless times with our genetic partners in life? Why can we overlook and forgive our friends yet those same flaws we will not overlook or forgive in our family, genetic or the in-laws? How did that happen? Do we really think that when we become in-laws we will be better in-laws than our in-laws? Yes, it takes more energy to love some in-laws than it does others but the bottom line is that our genetic family should not be valued more than our family of in-laws. I have been down the road where my parents-in-law did not think I was the right person for their son but I finally learned that by being patient and by loving them in spite of everything they might change their opinion of me enough so that time spent with them was enjoyable; and yes, time with them became very enjoyable. Now my second parents-in-law were accepting of me from the get-go so it was extremely easy for me to call them “my family” from the very beginning. I have seen and heard so many horror stories about in-laws and stepparents and I always think, what a shame that so much time and breath is wasted on relating all the bad to anyone who will listen when all that time and breath could be spent on building or repairing a family. I now choose to love, respect and accept, unconditionally.
Another group that we call family are friends, the “real friends” in our lives. This group gets off easy. Why? Because they come into our lives with no baggage but with a clean slate………..how very sad that we are a people who will be so accepting of this group in our lives, at times putting them on a pedestal ,yet we do not give our genetic or in-law family the same acceptance, care, respect and love.
Sooo, for me, my family is not only the ones with whom I share genetic material but also those who married into this core family, and those who will marry into each generation thereafter. Family……. after God, there isn’t ANYONE or ANYTHING more important than this every growing family of mine. We are all equal in the sight of God so I cannot think of any of you as anything less than that.
Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas to all the families out there.
